I’m ill. Due to my diseases, I see my kid, my partner, my assistant and my doctor face to face, but that’s it. I interact with my friends online, because seeing people and having a face to face verbal conversations is too demanding. A lot of people seem to think that this is terribly tragic, but I don’t think it is. A conversation online is still valuble even though it’s online. Kind words from friends are just as valid online as face to face.
However, there are a number of things I don’t have words for and it’s getting more and more complicated by each day. I’m pulling away from my friends because I’m consumed by some stuff that I can’t talk about, because I have no words for it. Since all of my friendships are so much based on words, I don’t know how to interact when I don’t have any words for issues that are so major to me that I’m caught up in them.
Ever since I started this blog I’ve been mourning and I thought that by now I would be done, but honestly, I’ve just started. There are so many things that need to be untangled and unboxed. So many things that I experience but that I can’t parse or understand. So many things that I never talk to anyone about, because I don’t now how.
I experienced not being safe as a kid and it’s haunting me, but the experiences are so frightening and clash so hard with what I’ve been taught about the world that I can’t comprehend them. I relate very differently to other people, my feelings and thoughts have patterns and there are definitely logics that probably could be understood involved, but it’s all so very different from what I’ve been told human experiences are supposed to look like.
I’m autistic, but I’m a closeted autistic who rarely gets any validation of myself as an autistic person. I have to deal with my pain alone because I have no words for it but at the same time I’m constantly reminded of it because I’m parenting an autistic kid. I’m confronted with the allistic world over and over and most of the times, it’s like reliving a childhood trauma.