TW: This post includes depression, trauma and internalized ableism
I’m dying emotionally. Maybe overly dramatic words but -no. Dying emotionally is exactly what I’m doing.
There’s very little of me left. It’s like I’m fading away, like I’m consumed or used up. I still have happy moments but they are so short and it doesn’t change the fact that there’s very little of me left. I’m the ugly, sticky bottle that you have left when you’ve had a soda. The bottle with the label almost gone because you kept poking and tearing it apart while you were drinking. The only thing left that reminds you of the soda you had is a vague smell and the lingering sensations on your tongue.
It’s not happening because of my disease (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis). It’s happening because I’m denied humanity. Because I’m not getting any ADHD meds, because people refuse ackonwledging that a life can be like this and that people can be humans in the way I am. It’s happening because my childhood memories are catching up with me. Because I’m denied being my autistic self. My dyke self.
I’m consumed because I spent everything that was me on trying to be allistic, and to some extent straight. By trying to do that I lost something that I can never get back, or maybe never had. I’m probably used up because the constant fear got to me. It ate me.
I guess this is one of the reasons why I’m failing so miserably at being close to people (besides from my kid). There is nothing of me left to give. I almost feel like I don’t exist more than as a physical body. A useless physical body that can hardly get out of bed and can’t be pushed inte performing. This description isn’t great but it’s the closest thing I can come up with. I’m gone. There is nobody left.
There’s no need to worry. I’ve been depressed like this before and just as then, I’m fighting to stay alive. The difference this time is that the world around me seems to be thinking that there’s no meaning with me being alive if I can’t leave my bed and since I can’t have long, verbal conversations, I’m denied a lot of healthcare this time.
I need to stay alive for my kid. Not only physically alive, but emotionally too. I can’t be just a shell to my kid, so I’m trying to preserve the tiny pieces of me that still exists.