TW: Suicide, death, ableism, school
I’m thinking a lot about death these days. One moment I’m scared that my heart and the rest of my body is failing me, then suddenly I fee like this life can’t be ended fast enough and maybe I’ll have to end it myself.
I can’t end my life, because I have to save my kid. But I can’t do much for my kid, I’m trying but it’s not enough.
I feel like I’m a burden to my partner, because my partner needs to focus on finding a school that won’t harm my autistic kid.
Sorry, this isn’t much of a post. This is just a bunch of desperate thoughts, because I can’t take this hell for much longer and no matter how hard we try, it’s not enough. Being an autistic kid who learns easily but are harmed from an allistic culture means there are no accessible schools.
As usual, I really don’t want any advice. If you comment or email me telling me what to do I’ll block you. I’m not writing this because I think anybody can solve anything for me, I’m writing this because my thoughts are too heavy to stay in my head.
I want to write about forced intimacy. About the so-called intimacy that I might say yes to, because I don’t really have that much of a choice. About situations where the level of intimacy isn’t matched with the same level of trust. Is it really intimacy? Or is it just somebody in a position of power disrespecting boundaries?
I suddenly got a new person performing the disability services I’m granted. One day last week the manager texted me saying that the former person is ill, could she start the introduction with a new person tomorrow?
I wasn’t ready for a new person with such short notice. I was in a really bad shape and that makes me very vulnerable, a single little misstake can make my symptoms worse. But I said yes, because what would have happened if I said no? I would be a burden. A difficult person causing the manager problems. How would that affect the help I receive?
The new person, V, has had two days of introduction. Today she came on her own, even though I had no idea that her introduction was over. I don’t know her. I didn’t even had a phone number to her so I couldn’t text her, which meant I could hardly communicate at all with her since I have a hard time talking most mornings. I don’t want a stranger coming into my bedroom, but I have accepted that I need somebody to bring me breakfast in the morning. But when the manager just sends someone that has been here twice when I’ve been in a really bad condition, that means that I don’t even get a fair chance to get to know her. The intimacy is forced upon me. I didn’t get a chance to say that I’m not ready to have her in my bedroom yet.
Later this week, she’s supposed to assist me before and after my shower. She hasn’t even been here during a shower day yet. There are written instructions for her but how am I supposed to trust that she has understood them? That she will respect that she’s not allowed in my bedroom for 15 minutes after my shower, because I’m half naked putting tape on my hypermobile joints?
There’s something weird about disability services being organized in a way that requires me to comply with an intimacy level without being able to demand a matching level of trust. I guess it’s called ableism.
Content: This post includes thoughts on safety, fear, threats and abuse related to ableism
I hope I’m just having a bad day. Like, I really, really hope that this will pass soon.
Because I’m falling.
In some aspects I’m safer now than I was before, and that’s great and totally terrifying. When I’m finally a little bit safer, the thought of going back is so scary that I almost wish the temporary safety away. Because I can’t go back.
But I will be unsafe again soon. One of the bigger threats is on its way back. There’s nothing I can do about it. In a month, it’s starting again.
I can’t. I can’t do this.
My mind is preoccupied with the idea of ever feeling safe. People think that my highest wish is to not be ill anymore but it isn’t. Because even if there’s a cure for ME one day, I could still be ill again. I will still be disabled. In an ableist world, that means being very unsafe.
I just want to feel safe. I just want to live a life without the constant threat of abuse.