When Night Falls

Content: This post refers to intrusive, traumatic memories.

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Night falls, fear rises.

When I fade away into sleep, my nightmares emerge.

My demons are real, alive and kicking. 

I’m inviting you for tea, because at noon I try to forget.

But when night falls, and fear rises

everything that’s me remembers what you did.

Censoring

Recently, I haven’t been careful enough about hiding details about me and my life. I suspect that a couple of people have figured out who I am (besides from the three people who I have told because I trust them) and even though I don’t think these are people that will hurt me, it means that it may be just a matter of time before more people can figure it out. Therefore, I will probably go through this blog and remove some posts. I won’t be fast because I don’t have the mental energy to focus for very long.

Seeing how vicious people can turn when being criticized has made me think about how much vulnerability I have revealed in this blog and considering that I’ve been criticizing Autism Parents, I need to protect myself.

Crisis Outcast

Content Warning: Death

 

A friend of mine is going through something horrible and I feel so much for her. I wish I could do something to stop what’s happening but I can’t. Neither can she. I don’t want to spell out all the details but I can say as much as somebody very close to her is dying.

We have a couple of friends in common and it strikes me that it seems like my reaction is different from the others’. I’m not shocked anymore (I was the first days when we found out about the family member being severely ill) but now I’m not. The fact that this person probably will die is awful and makes me want to scream out loud in despair, but I don’t have a hard time believing that it’s true. Bad things happen, medicine can’t fix everything and people die.

It bothers me that I don’t react like the rest of our friends do. I wonder if I’m cold or indifferent, if that’s why I’m not shocked. Because even though I’m really sad about what’s happening, I’m a bit numb too. What’s worse is that I find it provoking that my friends seem to be so shocked. Rationally I understand it but I keep having really shameful thoughts about them being privileged without realizing it. The thing is, I know that’s not the case. I know some of them have lost people to uncurable diseases.

I’m thinking that this could be a case of delayed reactions. It happens to me a lot and it tends to get socially complicated, which means that I can’t share it with the people involved. So far, people have always misunderstood it and thought I was indifferent and I don’t want to go through the blaming scenario it has lead to in the past.

In these kind of situations, I wish I could relate to people in a different way. When something bad happens I end up lonely because I don’t follow the expected pattern.