My relationship to my partner has been better for the last couple of months, and I’m very happy about that. We have sorted some things out and some external factors have changed and that also seems to make our everyday life easier. However, sometimes I experience some sort of gap between us. Like right in this moment.
There’s too much going on this week. Special things for my kid in school (a small concert and a theme day about human rights) that we found out about very late, meaning, we’re working our asses off to make visual material and prepare our kid. On top of that we have some healthcare stuff for me that my partner need to take me too and preparations to be done before that. My partner has done a big part of the preparation work for our kid because I haven’t been well enough today, so he’s kind of stressed out. I feel bad for not being able to do more but I also feel bad because this is the kind of situation that worries me a lot. Everything has too work smoothly according to our plan, otherwise it’s quite likely that things will be chaotic for all of us. The thing is, things never run smoothly. There will be some kind of problem that needs to be solved and I know that I don’t have the capacity to handle it, but I have to solve certain things because otherwise my kid might end up suffering.
This is not how I prefer to organize things, but this is happening mainly because my kid’s school forgot to inform us on time. Still, we have to solve this situation.
I worry. I need to just focus on dealing with my anxiety. My partner thinks that since he’s doing a lot of the preparation work with our kid, I get to rest since I’m done with most of the preparations for my doctor’s appointment. But I’m not resting. I spend my time planning exactly how to deal with every minute of Monday and Tuesday, trying to predict everything because I don’t have room to deal with any kind of demand that I’m not prepared for. In these kind of situations, I always end up over-exerting myself and that means that I also have to plan for being in a terribly bad shape until Friday.
I’m trying to focus on just getting by the rest of the day. Tomorrow, I’ll be drained of energy from just dealing with the chaos that this kind of tight schedule is causing me, and my partner won’t understand why. It will be a huge gap between us but we’ll be too busy and exhausted to sort things out.
As usual, I’m not writing this to get any practical advice and comments including advice won’t be published.