Content: This post includes my thoughts on my trauma.
I’m swaying back and forth, between clarity and chaos. I’m not numb anymore, but extremely overwhelmed.
Am I a human being? Or am I just a failed attempt?
Don’t come at me with your “person with autism”. I’m an autistic person. I need to take back what they took from me. I need to take back my sense of self. Did I ever have a sense of self? I don’t know what’s me, because every attempt at seeing me is like if somebody puts up a distorting filter over me. I get pieces but I don’t know what visions to trust.
When are people going to understand that you can be born autistic and get traumatized because of ableism? When are people going to stop claiming that autism in itself is a symptom of trauma? When are you going to care about how trauamtizing it is to be abandoned and punished for everything that is you?
I’m ashamed about everything that is me. I’m ashamed of that I got so terribly hurt by all the loud noises and too many people at school. I’m ashamed of all my meltdowns and shutdowns. I’m ashamed of the fact that I allowed my mom to have so little respect for my boundaries. I’m ashamed of the fact that I still have no words for what was traumatizing me. All I can say is that the world is a dangerous place to me.
I’m ashamed about letting partner and kid go alone to visit my dad and his wife. Ashamed because I was too ill to not get a proper birthday present for my dad, but just had a card. Ashamed about being a person that doesn’t attend things, ashamed about being ill. I’m ashamed about that my dad got my kid a birthday present that might have been expensive. I’m ashamed about everything that is me.