Content: Pain, trauma, death
The process of trying to understand my trauma is slowly going forward. Very, very slowly. One of the things that hit me earlier today is that during so many years, I experienced something that I had no words for but was (is) similar to fearing for my life. It’s not a good way to express it, but it’s the closest to a description that I have.
I was scared. I am scared. I’ve always been scared. Most of the times not because someone threatened to kill me (although that has happened a few times, but not when I was a kid), but because of the extreme reactions it caused me to having to push myself through school and the rest of my life.
Life was confusion and pain. Sensory pain, physical pain, emotional pain. I was so exhausted already as a kid that I thought I couldn’t live anymore. I was seven the first time I tried to ask for help because life was too difficult.
Living without being punished meant that I had to stop being me, that’s something that I figured out when I was around ten. I tried and I failed. I feared for the pain I had to go through every day but that I couldn’t explain and nobody understood.
I’ve feared for my life for so long because I knew (and know) that interacting with most people and being in most of the world is too painful. I feared that I was going to die emotionally, because I almost did. I can recall a number of times where all I could think was that it was better if I died for real because there was nothing of me left.
This is just… I’m rambling. I’m not making any sense because I have no words for this.
I can’t tell anyone about this because it sounds silly because there are no words. I was so scared because living as autistic in this world meant that I was (and still am) expected to harm myself all the time. But the harm isn’t recognized as harm.
It sounds so silly when I try to describe it. Going to school was so painful. And I still had to go there.
I need help to process my experiences of (not) going to school but when I see how psychologists, teachers and basically most people talk about autistic pupils I get even more scared. I can’t open up and risk getting that thrown in my face. Besides, how am I supposed to explain this to a psychologist when I have no words? I can’t.
I still live with so much fear that I can’t share with anyone, because I can’t explain it.