The other day I started to listen to Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. When I came to the part about trauma I was thrown into a very specific emotional space that I have no words to describe. I fall into something dark and scary and the level of fear is horrible.
Because of this reaction, and because of a couple of other things that has happened recently, I did what I have avoided for so long. I took a first step towards getting help to deal with my traumas. I contacted a psychologist and asked a couple of questions in order to find out if she is the right person to help me.
Ever since I did this, I’ve been feeling so ashamed and one minute I hope that the answer will be no because I just want to burry this deep down again. This is followed by me checking my email over and over for a while and hoping that I will get the opposite answer.
One thing that I hadn’t really thought about is that now when I’ve started to put this emotional mess into words in a conversation with somebody else, it feels like I can’t go back. I’ve been craving comfort and safety for a very long time but since I’ve never really talked about it with anybody, it’s been possible to push it back under the surface.
Now, I don’t know what to do.
I do know that if I’m ever again going to try any kind of counseling or therapy, it has to be with someone who understand power and opression. It has to be with someone who understands LGBTQI and disability. It has to be with someone who understands autism, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis and harm caused by healthcare.
I suspect that I’m asking for something that doesn’t exist.