I Was Autistic Even Though Nobody Knew About It

Content: This post includes ableist statements and mentions a wish to die.



Damn those kids whose parents can’t raise them properly! All those kids who can’t sit on a chair and listen like normal people.

I remember
standing up, leaving the room and running for my life
running for protection from the social rules I didn’t understand
the voices that I couldn’t process
the language that wasn’t mine

You need to stop doing this! Stop leaving the room every time you don’t get things your way!

I remember
the sounds turning into a traffic jam
waiting for processing, but I’m too slow
the load of unprocessed sounds is turning into noises pushing me to the ground
to the meltdown

Why haven’t you done your chores? You have arms and legs that work totally fine!

I remember
staring at the door, trying to open it and get the vacuum cleaner
and I just can’t
because of the noises, smells, movements, words and people from earlier today
everything repeating itself, over and over, and I still don’t understand it

Why aren’t you in school? You’re only allowed to stay home if you’re ill!

I remember
wishing my life was over
being so full of noises, pictures, words, feelings, confusion
desperate from being forced into a world I didn’t understand
rather dying than failing to be a real person one more time


We don’t need more awareness of that autism exists, we need real knowledge about what life is like for autistic people. We need to be accepted for who we are, not forced to try to appear as allistic as possible. We need the world to listen to autistic people, and to learn about autism beyond stereotypes.


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