I keep thinking about what I wrote the other day, that social interactions are so hard, for so many reasons. One thing that I didn’t mention is that interactions can lead to intimacy, and it can be intense. Too intense to harbor. There’s no way of knowing which interactions that will be too intense, too good, too scary. It just happens, and I’m never prepared.
Honestly I don’t know which force is the strongest, my fear for intimacy or my craving for it.
Intimacy is difficult because I tend to not understand what kind of intimicy I’m experiencing. All I know is that interacting with someone feels good and I want more. I want to be closer. But in which way? That’s not always obvious. Sometimes it’s obvious and comparatively uncomplicated, but all the times when I don’t know what the longing for more of this person is – it scares me. If we met AFK, would I want to kiss you? Touch you? Confide in you? Talk about autism or philosophy? Be comforted by you?
I don’t know. And that scares me. And of course, I don’t know what the other person feels, if they experience any sense of intimacy at all. That scares me even more.
Recently, someone asked me to show myself to them. Not that much, just a piece, but an important piece. So I did. It was scary and energy consuming but oh so good. I want them to ask me for more. I want to ask them for more. But I won’t. This person did probably not understand how affected I was from our interaction and I won’t tell them, because that would be to cross a line I have no intention to cross. I hid behind theories, or maybe theories were what made the intimacy possible. I don’t know. All I know is that the interaction was difficult but felt so good and now I want more.
I don’t know if this is something particularly autistic or not. It makes me feel ashamed and that’s why I’m writing it. After all, this is a place where I write about shameful issues.