Vulnerability

Like a lot of chronically ill and disabled people I know, I live with daily reminders of my vulnerability. I’m painfully aware of how vulnerable I am, and how I have to fight for autonomy and integrety.

Every night, when I’ve crawled underneath my weighted duvet, a longing comes to my attention. It’s the longing for being able to share my vulnerability with someone without holding back. Doing that means that I have to face all the shame and internalized ableism it comes with, and I need to feel very safe to do that. I need to know that the person I share this with won’t abandon me. I need to to know something more, feel something more, but I don’t know exactly what it is.

There are people who I could try this with, but I don’t know how. All I know is that I long so hard after to give in to the fear that the sense of vulnerability that’s permeating everything that is me is causing. To stop pulling myself together and trying to solve everything.

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