In my last post I wrote about ableism in romantic relationships, with an example of power dynamics within the relationship. With only one example it was by no means an exhaustive account for how ableism can operate within romantic relationships, and at some point I want to elaborate more on this topic. Before I do that, I need to sort out some thoughts on how ableism can affect a romantic relationship on a different level.
I have spent a couple of years trying to wrap my head around a specific experience of how an ableistic society made a relationship impossible. As some readers of this blog probably have noticed, I was once in the beginning of a relationship with someone that I refer to as Liz. It’s probably annoying to some people that I’m a bit cryptic when I write about her, but I have to in order to protect both myself and her. Anyway, the story about Liz took place a couple of years ago but it’s not until recently that I could begin describing to myself what actually happened.
I was deeply in love with her. She told me she loved me and wanted to be with me. I froze and couldn’t tell her how I felt. She thought I was indifferent. The truth was that I couldn’t give her what she wanted in terms of a relationship, because of my (and my child’s) disablities. Because of an inaccessible, oppressive society that puts up obstacles and deny chronically ill and disabled people adequate help and healthcare. So I let her go, I didn’t even fight for her. Instead, I felt ashamed to the point where I thought I was a disgrace to… well, I don’t know to what. To love maybe, because how could I claim that I loved her when I didn’t even give a relationship with her a fair chance?
And yes, I’m still being secretive about the details necessary to make sense of what happened, simply because I still can’t grasp the reality of ableism. I’m hovering over a specific thing here, a part of reality that I can’t make myself write in plain text. Not yet.
The point is that romantic relationships are affected by ableism in more ways than just as a form of power dynamics within the relationship. The fact that a specific manifestation of ableism comes from outside the relationship doesn’t mean that it stays there. My experience is that it can permeate what I feel, how I act and what I communicate to the point where it’s playing the leading part, without me detecting it.