I feel lonely sometimes. As a matter of fact I am quite lonely, because I make myself lonely. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. (This post won’t be very well articulated because my head feels like it’s filled with mashed potatoes.)
I know that if I responded more in conversations I would probably have more friends. There are a couple of other things that I theoretically could do that also would result in more friends, but the thing is that I can’t do it. I can manage reading through twitter, but I can’t handle conversations too often, and certainly not with too many people.
I can manage quite a lot of social contacts if they are superficial and I have no obligations, like in a facebook group where I participate in conversations when I have the energy for it. As soon as people get closer than that, I can only deal with a few people. It’s not that I don’t care about people – I care a lot – I just find social interactions exhausting most of the time.
This is shameful to say but sometimes I tend to feel more validated when people click “like” or share something that I’ve written, than when people comment on it. At least this goes for people I don’t know well. Sharing or liking something means “I’ve seen this, but I don’t demand more interaction from you”. Every now and then I read about people complaining that social media is full of too much clicking and too little conversation, but I really don’t agree. I have other blogs, besides from this one, and every time somebody shares or like something I’ve written, it means something to me. Every time. It still does, after having had my stuff shared for five years or so.
I love blog conversations. When I read a post by somebody else, my thoughts starts spinning, and I write something related to it. Then, a couple of days (or weeks, or months), that person (or somebody else) writes something as a comment on my piece. These are conversation with enough space to elaborate on ideas and thoughts, and a kind of conversations that have been a big part in how I’ve changed my mind on certain issues. It has shaped my understanding and I’ve learnt so much through these kind of blog conversations over the last five years.
I guess I’m rambling about this because I’m trying to understand my own behaviour better. I’m just trying to understand what I need and that it’s okay to not want hundreds of semi-close friends.
Update: I don’t mean that people aren’t allow to comment, you are. Otherwise I wouldn’t have made it possible to comment here. I’m just trying ot figure myself out, since I’m not who I thought I was.