At the moment, I’m thinking a lot about my childhood memories. The happy ones as well as the sad ones. Looking back at my childhood and adolescence, the most prevailing feature of my experiences are confusion. A never ending quest for understanding something that still is so hard to describe. Like I was trying to crack the code and figure out some kind of universal truth about life and mankind. Almost like I needed a theoretical framework to apply to life in order to understand something. What was it that I was trying to understand? Human behaviour maybe. Why people acted like they did. Why there seemed to be certain rules that I didn’t know, though I could sense their existence. Rules I was expected to follow. Rules I was punished for not following.
I think this is the main reason for why DBT was partly helpful to me. It gave me some sort of help to navigate. It made me less confused, at least in the beginning. Over time, the negative aspects became more and more obvious though.
Trying to understand this constant confusion that seemed to permeate my life for such a long time, I think this is a part of being autistic in a world that isn’t very friendly to autistic people. I was trying to navigate, I worked really hard on it, but I failed. Over and over. Today, as an adult, I’m trying to forgive myself and letting go of all the shame it created.