Abuser

CN: Abusive relationship

The other day I was suddenly reminded of the existence of my former abuser. It’s seven years since our relationship ended with a big drama, but it’s still very hard for me to refer to her as an abuser. I know that’s what she was, it’s just really hard to accept it.

When I was reminded of her the other day, it hit me that her words was one of the reasons for why I blamed myself so much when I got ill. She had told me that I wasn’t capable of certain things that I wanted to do, and she was very clear about how much she disagreed with certain choices I had made for myself. When I got ill in ME I thought I deserved it. I thought it was my fault, that I was the one to blame since I had done something wrong. I didn’t think that my choices were wrong but she had manipulated me into thinking that I was a bad person for making choices about my life that she didn’t agree with.

It’s truly difficult for me to grasp how deep the concequences of this relationship were. I still feel fear whenever I think about her.

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