Stone dynamics and insights I can’t publish

Shortly after I published a text about stone dynamics and autism, I wrote one more text. It’s about stone dynamics and shame and I really want to pulish it, but it feels like it will make me too publicly vulnerable. 

However, pondering stone dynamics has made me think differently about all sorts of needs in relationships. Not only sexual needs but other kind of needs and wether reciprocity is or isn’t connected to identity. I really want to write about this but I haven’t figured out how to do that without exposing my partner. I hope I will at some point. Something tells me that this is really important to me.

I won’t mourn forever

“I’m mourning growing up without knowing I’m autistic, but at some point it will change. It won’t be like this forever.”

The other day something rare happened. I talked to my partner and for once, we managed to have an honest conversation about somthing else than how to deal with a lot of practical stuff and worry about the future for our child. That brief moment of honesty and understanding did something to me and I heard myself say the quote above. 

It was a relief to say it and realize that this energy consuming grief is something that will pass. Because I think it will. I’ll probably always be sad that I didn’t get a fair chance to understand myself until I hit 30-something, but there’s a good chance that it will turn into a sorrow that’s easier to live with. It won’t be a fulltime mourning for the rest of my life. 

Identity and sexuality swirling with autism

Two lines of thoughts are swirling around in my head, connecting to each other but travelling too fast to grasp. This is an attempt to run a comb through my thoughts to figure out what’s what. (To be very clear, this post is only about me and not intended to question anybody else.)

Let’s start with gender identity and expression. I’m not trans. I’m not cis. I’m sort of a woman, but no, not exactly. Sometimes I’m feminine, sometimes I’m not. My expression used to be more of a choice than it is nowadays, due to more severe illness and disability. I don’t know what I am, but I do know who I am. Contradiction? Maybe. I’ll try to explain.

I’ve spent a couple of years studying different theories on gender, both academic studies at the university and taken part of a lot of different ideas from various people in different LGBTQI communities. Some understandings of gender I refute, others make sense. With this said, I still have no sense of what gender is. I’m familiar with how other people understand sex and gender, but I don’t get how it relates to me. I have no clue where I fit in to these understandings, even the ones that make sense.

I read something the other day that made me think about how this probably relates to an autistic way of thinking. To some extent this is affected by being punished in different ways for not behaving like a girl or a woman is expected to, but that’s not the main reason. The more important part is slippery and hard to catch so I haven’t been able to put it into words yet. Let’s just say that I don’t recognize myself in any of the descriptions of gender I’m familiar with.

Then we have sexual orientation, and it’s sort of the same thing. I can recognize different people’s understandings of what sexual orientation is, but where do I fit in? I don’t, so far. My desire seems to be aiming in directions that don’t match, which is likely connected to  my none-understanding of gender. My sexuality is intuitively clear to me but it doesn’t make sense when I try to position it according to familiar systems of sexual orientation. I’m not confused, I just don’t relate.

What I just wrote is only about me, I consider other people’s gender identities and sexual orientations as completely valid. I’m very curious about if somebody gets what I mean and possibly even share this experience. Please feel free to comment if you do.

Update: To be clear and not make cis-sexist assumptions: I was assigned female at birth.