I want to write about writing. To be more specific, I want to ramble a bit about how frustrated I am with my own writing at the moment.
When I write in my first language, I usually don’t know what I’m about to write until I start. A phrase just pops up in my head, I write it down and keep on writing to see were it brings me. That’s how I understand what I’m thinking and feeling, and it’s a way of helping my sensory processing. Sometimes it makes me understand what I’m trying to communicate to somebody else, sometimes it’s just a way of processing information for myself.
When I write in English it’s different. It isn’t smooth. I have to actively figure out what I want to write about, I can’t just let the movements from my fingers on my keyboard carry me. I lost a big part of my vocabulary in both English and my first language during a major collapse a couple of years ago and my English vocabulary is still stuck somewhere. It’s not far away, I just can’t reach it. This frustrates me because there are certain topics that I know better in English than in my first language. Topics that I used to read about, talk about and write about mostly in English, therefore English feels more lika a first language in certain mental contexts. Losing my vocabulary meant losing a piece of myself.
What’s bothering me right now is that at the moment I’m not even capable of writing what I want in my first language either. Usually when I’m angry it fuels my writing and it brings me to the core of my thoughts, but not now. So I’m frustrated and it feels like I’m boiling with anger but can’t get it out of my system.