I’m in a situation were I’m strongly reminded of how difficult I find it to work with other people. I had almost forgotten about it and in some way I started to tell myself that now when I know myself so much better, the problems won’t be as big. It turns out I was wrong.
Since a few weeks back I’m trying to do some volunteer work for an NGO. I was asked to do it, based on stuff I’ve written and first I was skeptical since I don’t know if I have the energy. What I didn’t expect was that not only do I lack enough spoons, but the confusion is still there. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that makes it so hard because this time I only from my computer at home, the expectations are fairly clear and that solves two of my biggest issues. But it turns out that one of the biggest problems is still there.
It has something to do with the number of people. I can’t relate to many people at the same time, for some reason. When I’m in a conversation with unknown people I find it very stressful and demanding to put my arguments and thoughts out there, partly because I’m sure people will se the fraud I am (Impostor Syndrome) but that’s not the complete explanations. It’s not only emotional, there’s something else to it that I can’t grasp. It feels like I’m mentally giving birth or running a marathon. I need to push, it’s almost never smooth and easy.
I remember this so much from school and work, and from former experiences from other NGOs. It’s worse than ever now, but it has always been there. I’m not a team player and that feels like a terrible thing to say. I have very strong principles and I don’t want to compromise. I’m confused and all the energy I have to spend on untangling the mess that my brain turns into when there’s a lack of structure is really more energy than I have. Maybe it will be easier if I try to do some kind of volunteer work with other autistic people instead? Maybe this is just one more case of trying to adjust to NT social rules and thinking? Because it’s obvious that my way of thinking is different from what’s expected. I don’t know what to believe.
Does this mean that I should leave the NGO after only a month and spend the little energy I have on my kid and things that don’t make me feel like such a failure? Or is that just my anxiety speaking? Will it get better if I keep on trying? I don’t think it will. I know I should leave but it makes me feel so guilty and like an even bigger failure. I’ll be a quitter, once again.