The other day I wrote about how I was surprised to see my mom sad when I told her that I was a bad daughter. The particular situation happened when I was a teenager but today, around 15 years later, but it turns out that I’m still a bad daughter.
My mom is upset that I didn’t attend her birthday celebration. It was organized in a way that’s not accessible too me. What’s even more confusing to me is that I wasn’t invited to it. She mentioned it briefly a few days ago when we were discussing something else. Since she had already planned it in a way that makes it impossible for me to attend, I assumed she was fine with celebrating her birthday without me. Today it turned out that she’s disappointed that I didn’t come.
I called her in the morning to wish her a happy birthday, something that was difficult since I’m so low on spoons that phone calls is really demanding. Then she told me she was sad and disappointed.
Here’s the thing: She helps me out with practical stuff with my kid sometimes, and now I don’t know if the plans we have made are still happening or if she considers the plans cancelled automatically. She didn’t say anything about it but it has happened in the past.
I want to write about power dynamics but I can hardly move my hands so that won’t happen. I’m just stuck in my bed, crying every time my kid makes a noise outside the door and feeling like a really bad person for… I don’t even understand exactly what I did wrong.