I used to be nice, or, I tried

I can’t stop thinking about what the #ComplianceMeans hashtag means to me, on a very personal level. The core of being compliant is to stop being me. It happened for all kinds of reasons when I was a kid, and the pattern keeps repeating itself.

I have very complex healthcare needs. It’s not something I’ve chosen myself and I can’t just make it go away. For some reason though, many people seem to be provoked by this. People tell me that I’m not very nice or that I’m demanding, rude and ungrateful when I make clear what I need. The confusing thing is that if I tell people that I don’t want their help, that also seems to be upsetting.

In order to be “nice” – meaning compliant – I should stop having such complex needs in order to make it easier to help me, and I really have to let people help me. But it has to be easy to help me so people can be successfull. So people can be heroes.

I tried for many years to be broken in a way that could easily be fixed. Sometimes I was the therapist’s pet, for doing so well. Being nice meant thirty years of suffering.

Compliance means that I have to stop being me in order to deserve help.

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