Compliance, inspiration porn and shame

When I started this blog I was in a state of confusion and anger. I had just pushed myself to sensory overload and PEM (Post-exertional malaise) and was disappointed with myself for doing so, but also terribly ashamed of the fact that I didn’t have the strength to do activities that other people seemed to take for granted. I tried to do them but ended up in that awful state.

I chose the name “the uninspirational” because I was fed up with always being told that I was just lacking motivation or that it was my fear of certain activities that made me ill and disabled. When I pushed myself to the point of harming myself I was told I was inspiring people.

There are good stuff written and said about inspiration porn from other people, Lydia Brown and Stella Young for instance, but one of the things that is a huge deal to me is that inspiration porn makes me so ashamed of myself. I carry a lot of internalized ableism and when I can’t live up to the “inspiration porn” stereotype, I feel ashamed. When I try, and end up harming myself, I feel ashamed of that. No matter what I do, the inspiration porn uses ableism to make me think very degrading things about myself.

Inspiration porn is bad in many ways. When I was in my bed, all feverish and trembling from PEM and sensory overload, I suddenly felt desperate and angry and created this blog. It was an impuls, a very good impuls.

I thought about this today when I was reading tweets tagged #ComplianceMeans. Because when I comply to the rules of inspiration porn, I end up harming myself. Compliance means being self-destructive and is fuled by shame.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s