Passing and Crossing the Line

I’m thinking a lot about my inability to be properly close, according to NT standards. I know a number of times when I haven’t kept enough distance and probably crossed some kind of line and when I think about it the shame burns through me and makes me want to hide forever. It’s usually not physical lines (even though I’ve sometimes hugged somebody that I shouldn’t have), it’s more of the subtle lines like commenting on a Facebook status that wasn’t aimed at me or being too open to soon when meeting new people.

Most of the times I keep too much distance. I don’t hug my partner’s parents even though it’s clearly expected and stuff like that. This used to make me feel ashamed but it doesn’t, not anymore. Most of all, this is a problem because other people keep crossing my lines.

One of the reasons for this very shifting sense of distance has to do with something that I read about here. I rarely feel connected to other people and therefore I have a tendency to not really know when a hug is appropriate or not. It’s difficult to describe but it’s like I feel some kind of connection but it’s when I play a role. The role is connected, not me. I’m guarding myself, memorizing and acting. The most painful insight I’ve had during the last couple of months is that I thought this was my only option. All my life, I thought everybody acted and I didn’t understand why I got so exhausted. When I learned that there are people who can relax around other people and not watch every step they take and blaming themselves for everything they did wrong, I didn’t believe it.

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2 thoughts on “Passing and Crossing the Line

  1. Hey.

    You commented on my blog, so I headed over to yours. It sounds like you’re going through heaps of unpacking at the moment.

    It’s a continuous process – that unpacking of how we do things, and why we do them (and the realisation that not everyone does them in the same way).

    I can relate to the feeling of acting a role, and I can still wear my role when required, but it is very tiring and it wastes a lot of spoons.

    I want to say: it will be ok. It takes time, and it’s ongoing, but it will be ok because as you learn more about yourself, you’ll feel more comfortable being yourself.

    Take care of you,
    Cas

    Liked by 1 person

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