I’m thinking a lot about my inability to be properly close, according to NT standards. I know a number of times when I haven’t kept enough distance and probably crossed some kind of line and when I think about it the shame burns through me and makes me want to hide forever. It’s usually not physical lines (even though I’ve sometimes hugged somebody that I shouldn’t have), it’s more of the subtle lines like commenting on a Facebook status that wasn’t aimed at me or being too open to soon when meeting new people.
Most of the times I keep too much distance. I don’t hug my partner’s parents even though it’s clearly expected and stuff like that. This used to make me feel ashamed but it doesn’t, not anymore. Most of all, this is a problem because other people keep crossing my lines.
One of the reasons for this very shifting sense of distance has to do with something that I read about here. I rarely feel connected to other people and therefore I have a tendency to not really know when a hug is appropriate or not. It’s difficult to describe but it’s like I feel some kind of connection but it’s when I play a role. The role is connected, not me. I’m guarding myself, memorizing and acting. The most painful insight I’ve had during the last couple of months is that I thought this was my only option. All my life, I thought everybody acted and I didn’t understand why I got so exhausted. When I learned that there are people who can relax around other people and not watch every step they take and blaming themselves for everything they did wrong, I didn’t believe it.