The other day I wrote about how I now identify as autistic but that I don’t have a formal diagnosis. After posting the text I started thinking about if I should tell people around me. My partner knows but I haven’t told anybody else so far.
The thing is, I feel like I risk being questioned if I tell people without having a formal diagnosis and I don’t know if I have the energy to deal with that right now. I felt the same when I came out of the closet and told people about having ADHD but at least then I could lean on my diagnosis to support myself when people didn’t believe me. All this makes me question why it’s so important to have a formal diagnosis in order to dare standing up for myself. Wasn’t the whole point of daring to say “I’m autistic” on Twitter that I trusted my own judgement enough? Obviously not as much as I thought.
This is hard. There’s more to it. It’s about claiming that I know myself better than people around me do and I find that scary. I feel ashamed from so many years of other people claiming their interpretation of me being more accurate than my own.