I let her go because I didn’t understand my autistic self

I loved somebody. I still love her but I’m trying not to. Now I’m just mourning the fact that I never got to know her well enough. Not because she wasn’t trying, she was, but I was so caught up in hiding everything about myself that I didn’t understand. I blew it. When she told me that she was in love with me and wanted to be in a relationship with me I was just silent. I wanted to tell her that I loved her insanely, that I just wanted to be close to her. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t because my health was going down and I was terrified.

It’s almost two years since we talked the last time, besides from superficial and polite “Happy birthdays” on Facebook. Every time she likes something I post on instagram I start shaking. Today I got the stupid idea that I could send her a message wishing her a Merry Christmas. Just to be in touch. I’m happy that I realised that it’s an bad idea. She has moved on.

I let her go because I didn’t understand my autistic self and was way too scared to stop working myself into exhaustion to keep on passing. I let her go because my health was just getting worse and I didn’t understand what was happening. I let her go because all the fainting, the irregular heartbeat, the brainfog, the fevers scared me. I let her go because I could never give her what she wanted. I let her go because I love her.

 

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